Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Outer Banks Interruption!


Map of Jurassic Park Island where the long distance package was delivered to.
Yurgen Kirby, an employee of Charlotte based Velocity Bicycle Couriers called me on the gas grill 2 hours ago looking for logistics help related to his unique situation of being stuck in Jurassic Park since last September after successfully delivering a DNA sample to the Park's Executive Officer. According to Yurgen on September 2, 2008 he was dispatched by Swazey the Owner/Operator/President of Velocity to ride his bike to Charlestoon South Carolina where he would meet a man in a straw hat who would give him a sealed capsule containing the DNA sample of an extinct Dilophosaurus. Once he had the sample Yurgen was instructed by his boss to put the package in his bag, ride down to the port and with his bike board the rusty container ship the Emerald Sea. Swazey told him that the arrangements had been made and that the Ship's Captain knew he was coming. The Emerald Sea was bound for Antarctica with supplies for McMurdo Station and on day 20 when the ship passed within a mile of Jurassic Park Island they would send out a skiff to deposit Yurgen, his bike and the special delivery. Yurgen always in search of global adventure was so exited about this 'Special Delivery' that he never asked about the exit plan. All he remembers Swazey saying over the Crackberry was, "Don't screw this up Yurgen, it is a $143,879 billable invoice. Oh Yeah, wear your Damn Velocity T-Shirt because not only will the guy in the straw hat be looking for that but I want my business to be marketed the whole length of the way. This Dinosaur DNA stuff is going to be big I tell you Jurgen, huge in the future and I want that market mostly because I still owe Briko a quarter million dollars for that life time supply order I made in 1999!" That afternoon Yurgen rode the 220 miles through the night down to Charlestoon, picked up the DNA, boarded the ship and after 3 weeks at sea was dropped off on the western shore of Jurassic Park Island. The skiff coxswain realizing that Yurgen had no exit plan agreed to wait 6 hours for him to return while the Emerald Sea anchored a mile off shore. Plenty of time Yurgen thought to himself, a simple 20 mile round trip, that's 2 Stay Alives. A little disorientated at first Yurgen pedalled his way some 10 miles to the north east corner of the island where he found the office of an eager scientist who was willing to sign the Crackberry screen in receipt of the precious delivery on September 29, 2008 at 0815hrs. Yurgen rode away from the building struck by the beauty of the island. All of a sudden Yurgen came to a huge wall of electrified fencing designed to keep the Dinosaurs on the Island. He rode along traveling in the direction that he had come from but he just kept riding and never found the waiting skiff. Time lapsed from hours into days, then weeks into months while Yurgen desperately tried to find his way out of the electrified containment area that seemed to surround the entire island. He has survived by eating wild dates that he dries himself and these crazy prehistoric plumbs that grow to the size of A VW Bug. Yurgen has had plenty of fresh water that flows in the island's netowrk of mountain streams. A few weeks short of a year has passed since Yurgen left this fine nation in which we dwell and he just figured out how to get some battery power for his Crackberry by standing near the electrified wire fencing. The first call Yurgen made in almost a year after being lost on Jurassic Park Island was to his boss Swazey.

Jurgen Kirby stuck in Jurassic Park proudly wearing his Velocity Flair.
Thanks to the Freedom of Information Act and the 20 bucks that I gave to a hacker friend of mine I can share with you my lovely audience the transcript of that call that took place yesterday:

Swazey's Crackberry rings with the tone of the U2's Sunday Bloody Sunday in his cottage kitchen while he his reading the New York Times over an Owens Bagel and a cup of fair trade Ethiopian coffee.

Swazey: This is Patrick with Velocity Bicycle Couriers your 24/7, 365 day a year International Courier Logistics Service, how may I help you?

Yurgen: Swazey, Swazey, it's me Yurgen from your summer work exchange program last year!!
Swazey: Jurgen, for God's sake how are you man? Good? Good. I am sorry for not initiating your rescue after you delivered that package last year, I figured that you had been eaten by a T-Rex or stepped on by a Brontosaurus or something. Where the heck yeah are you Yurgen?
Yurgen: I'm still on Jurassic Park Island surrounded by thousands of real life dinosaurs and a huge electric fence that seems to cover the entire island, I cannot find the place I slipped through on the way in.
Swazey: Never mind all the specifics Yurgen, how is that T-Shirt I gave you to wear? I have been sending you text messages every week since you went missing hoping that you were on the cosmic wave some where near Polynesia and could Fed-Ex the Velocity T-Shirt back to me, its rightful and lawful owner. Yurgen, I keep a tight inventory on company supplies you know, can I get my shirt back or do I have to charge you with petty petite theft?
Yurgen: Uhhhhhh, I have been wearing that shirt every day since I took off for Charlestoon, 11 months and 3 weeks ago. Did you not hear me, I am stuck on an island that does not even exist. This place is a T-Total Crack Out and you are telling me about your missing T-Shirt? This Velocity Courier cotton T-Shirt made in nowhere is the only clothing on my back and I am very thankful that the temperature has not dropped below 62F since I have been here.
Swazey: Look Yurgen, do you think I give a rat's ass about the climate and conditions you have been surviving in? I don't, I just want my T-Shirt back and I expect it to be clean.
Yurgen: Whatever Swazey, I will be buried in this shirt.
Swazey: Well, I have enough money to take you to court since that $143,879 check cleared as payment for the delivery you made.
Yurgen: Go ahead, I would relish seeing you in the Mecklenburg County Courthouse and.....(BOOM loud interruption)

At that second a bolt of lightening struck 10 meters from where Yurgen stood and his line goes dead.

Swazey: Yurgen, Yurgen, I heard an explosion, is my T-Shirt Okay? Hello? Are you there Yurgen?

The lightening knocked out power to the fence giving Yurgen a chance to run for the beach which he did at full sprint. Once he broke clear of the electric fencing he realized that he had no where to go but the island's desolate beach. So he climbed back up to the beach side of the fence and when the power came back on he belled me up to explain the situation and see if I could help with an extraction plan. I called Captain Seamus, an old Marine buddy of mine who flies Harrier Jets and as syncro would have it he was aboard the USS Saipan LHA-2. The 24 MEU was running ice cores from Antarctica to Stanford University in Palo Alto on a super secret Global Unwarming project initiated by the Obama administration for Change. His ship was within a 2 hour flight from the north end of Jurassic Park Island where Yurgen would be standing waving the valuable Velocity T-Shirt to signal the LZ for Spartan. As you read this Yurgen has made the relative safety of the USS Saipan where he was greeted to a heroes welcome. By this time next week Yurgen will be in San Fransisco where he plans to settle down and start his memoir on what it was like to deliver the most extraordinary package in the history of Bicycle Couriering.


1 comment:

The Big Bad Banker said...

Interesting fact: The Wright brothers were originally from Ohio. In fact, the plane they flew in KittyHawk was designed, built, and assembled in Ohio as well. This has led to controversy, as if you notice the license plates of vehicles from the state of Ohio make the claim that they are the "Birthplace of Aviation" vs. North Carolina's claim that it was "First in Flight." I think I heard once that there was once or now is a law suit between the two states over this claim. I think it's ultimately a fight over tourists dollars, as if the tourists really care. Great pictures though Bill, it really makes me want to grab a friend and load up my Jeep and take a 3 day camping trip out to the coast. I don't have a tent, but, I bet I could pop the hatch on my Jeep Grand Cherokee and use it as a sleeper just the same.