I received the following essay written by a friend and professor of social engineering 2 days ago and thought I should share with you this hilarious modern narrative with meaning that seems to take the edge of of what is really happening around us. Take a few minutes out of your busy life and enjoy this brilliant piece of literary effort.. . . in an apocolyptic haze along the waters of the Mississippi River an old-timey canoe full of people dressed in seersucker and silk ties, monocles and pocket watches, drifts along. It's passengers look haggered and sad, but excited and needy, too. A frog leaps off the bank and makes a splash that awakens the apparent leader of the crew. He stands and brushes some cheese puff from his mustache. To no one in particular he begins. . .
"This is the way it has been and will be. We are all in the same canoe. We all threw our litter overboard. If someone who was in the canoe is no longer in the canoe that implies that the river has decided to rid our canoe of them. If you remain in the canoe it is because the river appreciated your balancing skills. Since a lot of people have fallen out of the canoe we must make sure that the amount of trash dolled out to be thrown overboard from this point forward is done so prudently, only allowing the trashiest to chuck the trash. Most of us in the canoe are handing over our trash, no questions asked.And what role should the government play in this? Our canoe requires more cash, I mean trash, and we must decided whether we want the trash to be given to us by the government on loan or whether we would prefer to just give our canoe to the government. Unfortunately our current debate currently incorporates opinions that are not in favor of moving forward in a straight line down the river gleefully throwing trash overboard. I would like to shoot those people who embody those opinions now and throw them in an eddy, instead I will momentarily address their untruths.There is no more trash coming. Yes there is. Sure, everybody used to get trash, but everybody can't have trash, obviously, so we give it out now to those of you who really like chucking it towards the banks. And, according to Federal Reserve of Trash data, were actually giving away more trash to less of you right now and helping support your trash moving ventures. Plus, those of you with trash can now buy the seats and life jackets of those who lost theirs back there in the rapids and you can do so at an incredibly low rate of debt. How nice is that? Notice whose gone? The people who were giving trash to everybody. They're in the river now. Most of us are giving away as much trash as we possibly can throw into the environment.The trash banks are on the rocks. Most of the banks went away a long time ago, and during the rapids only a few did because there's really only a few left from back when they all mostly went away, and only like, 5% of the 7% of banks that were left went away so no big. Duh. There might be another rapid or two, who knows.This big blue plastic WW al-Mart tarp isn't keeping us dry. You're not wet. Last night, when it rained, most of us got under it, and it kept us mostly dry. Reasonably. We put the cheap plastic tarp up to prevent the canoe from utterly sinking and look, were still floating, throwing trash at the banks. The government gave us this awesome blue tarp, and it worked last night during the storm, so here's some more trash.A lot of this trash was other people's and now they won't ever get it back. This tarp is not Mother Teresa, people. All of us in the canoe have got a lot of trash now and this big blue plastic tarp is thread bare and worn, so maybe we should give it back to the other people who gave us a bunch of their trash. Here, help me throw it over. Look, see, I see a bony hand reaching for it right now, the mud-people obviously appreciate what were doing. Boo yeah!The instutions and individuals who made the canoe really shaky should be held accountable. Pah. They, my friends, are already in the river. You see, if you were a part of doing the things that made the bad things happen then the river has already eaten you. And if you aren't eaten and still throwing trash its for one reason and one reason only: the river likes you.The only way to make the canoe safe again is to paint a flag on it and call it the property of the nation that produces a lot of those flags. Crazy talk people. If we painted a flag on this canoe the river would get really mad and other people who give us trash from other far away, sometimes bad, places would maybe not want to give us any more trash. A flag on this canoe would be terrifying and would take away all the trash. Plus, people would say that we didn't have anymore trash of our own if we painted a pretty little flag the back right corner of our canoe. We agree with guy who gives us all of our precious trash and what he is saying right now becasue he has the trash. He says our canoe will be less shaky if we don't paint a flag on it. Throw any paint you have overboard right now. Making the people who are saying those bad things stop saying them will really help us over these next few rapids. Hang on.IF YOU CAN HEAR MY VOICE AND FUNCTION WITH YOUR HANDS AND MIND PLEASE DO THE FOLLOWING!!!Just take the trash that the government is giving us. They like us. We are already filling some of the holes in our canoe with the trash they are giving us. The congress and the administration are amazingly generous. Remember when you used to have neighbors who owned things and now you own everything they did and you don't owe that much trash for it?!?! Theres so much trash coming you can't imagine. We're going to show a rerun of Alf at seven o'clock. And some people who are going to have to become mud people might not have to, maybe, if a little bit of trash can be given to them, too. Also, a lot of people owe trash back to the Fed. We need to help them get more trash so they don't have to become mud people. The Fed will give us ours, they should ask the river. I think that we all realized how scary it was for some of us to get tossed into the churning waters just over the edge of this little canoe, so take the trash were getting and let the other people get theirs from somewhere else, and then we'll see who wins. Oh! We will see! Ha HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
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